Slightly Off-Topic

As my project's first month is coming to an end I definitely have things to say, a recap to make and initial thoughts about november to discuss.  However, that's not what I want to talk about right now.

You see, although I LOVED turning 30 and I didn't have much of the dread that people associate with turning 30, I have been struggling with the notion of what it means to be a "grown-up".

Technically, I'm grown.   I'm 30, I have a husband and a kid.  I definitely have put many of my "childish" things away.  I'm a bit of a different person socially.  I like to go out still but I also really like to come home and get in my bed and read a book.  I now know the value of coming home to a bed that's been made.  I'm faithful to making homemade meals from scratch (as opposed to a once cherished lifestyle in which a meal consisted of a vicodin, sushi and a big glass of wine).  Things definitely changed, mostly for the better?  Yes, mostly for the better.  Although, I am at times struck with nostalgia for times that have long passed.

There are moments when I make decisions that feel very "grown-up".  This year we've decided that we are going to stay home on Halloween.  Max is finally old enough to participate and since I missed last years trick or treating due to my ankle injury, I didn't want to miss this year.  I felt like we've spent so many years partying in ridiculous costumes that it's o.k. if we let this year slide by with out boozing it up in face paint.  So, we've planned to go to a fall fest during the day, we'll have a friend's 6 year old us with in the evening and we will trick or treat, make pizzas with the kids and watch scary movies and drink wine when they are in bed.  This to me, sounds lovely.

The other side of being a grown-up is letting go of life choices that may no longer apply to my life today.  When I was in my early 20s I had an office job.  One that was way ahead of my age.  When I was 24 I left that job and chose an art life.  Since then I've prided myself on my ability to support myself without working in an office.  I've been pretty successful at this until recently.  Recently, I can't get a job.  Any Job really and our financial woes are totally crushing my spirit (another hard aspect of growing up).  I'm still clinging to this idea of having a life/career in the arts but feel like maybe I need to really give in and accept that this may not be in the cards.

But I DO get gigs from time to time (like this Friday wherein I'm doing Palm Readings at a Fancy Pants party in the John Hancock Observatory).

Should I give this art life one final push.  Put everything all in and see if I can make it?  Or do I give up and go get a "real" job (if I can).

What will become of me?  What will become of this project?

What is a "grown-up" anyways?