The Four of Us (Or Just When You're Up You're Down) - Brought to you by the # 4

( Note: So, I have this 40 minute train ride every time I go to work. I've been using that time to do a little writing. This is something I wrote last weekend while on the train and am first posting now.)

Part 1:

When people refer to my immediate family (the little one I created) as the "three of us", I always stop them. We are a family four! Benny Dog is our first baby. He is as an important part of this family as any of us. I sometimes forget this when I spend my days yelling at him to get out of the garbage. To "Go Lay Down". Or "quiet" as he barks at the neighboring dogs. But it's him who I grip in times of sorrow. His quiet comfort is what I seek when I don't have words to express. And he knows when I'm sad. He follows me around and puts his head on his knee. He lays down and lets me rest my head on his belly while I soak him with my tears. We are a family of four, indeed.

Part 2:

I've been busy being hopeful. Busy putting one step in front of the other. I've been feeling better and then something unexpected arose (a family member was hospitalized in serious condition). This unexpected thing brought to surface ancient feelings and suddenly I had to deal and I wasn't dealing. I spent the first moments of trying to dealing turning to old habits. I got drunk and stayed drunk for most of a weekend. I cried endlessly. Where was this coming from? Where was my hard won composure? Where was the calm I've meditated and practiced and yoga'd into for the last decade? All my new habits faded away. No more healthy eating. No more daily yoga practice. (Was I using this crisis as an excuse to check out for awhile?)

Part 3:

This family of four equates "home" but I'd like to stop and talk about my family at large both by blood and by love. When people ask what I like most about myself I always respond "That I have AMAZING people in my life". (I like to think that maybe my ability is to create solid relationships with people.) I'm surrounded by amazing people. Just immersed in talented, smart, funny and good hearted folks. People whose character is so shiny they glow. I know i'm gushing but I also know that I'm really lucky. Some people have nobody and I have so many. This family of four extends into a community and I am NEVER lonely.

Where Part 1,2 and 3 Converge:

While I was trying to deal last week, I was surrounded by people (and a dog) who knew what to say and who knew what not to say. Who knew how to just be there. Who knew how to hear me cry. People who made sure I ate and slept and that Max was o.k. There was not one but two times I needed to call for help and different sets of folks were immediately there. There is so much value in that and for that I am so grateful.

So maybe this just a shout out of love. Love for my family of four. Love for my family by blood. Love for the family of friends I've been blessed with.